You know, I saw that movie the other day. The girl in the movie was like, pissed with the boy. And she just launched at him. Told him off. Told him that she does not deserve to be treated badly like that. And walked away. And then the boy came running behind her. He apologised to her. That’s gotta be the craziest thing I have ever seen.
You know, that would never happen to me. I did try that actually, once. When I was 18, I had a friend who made fun of my weight. He said I looked like a cow. I also did what the girl in the movie did. I told him I don’t like being treated like that. He just laughed. He did not text me after that. I waited 2 days for an apology. Didn’t get one. And then I felt like he will go away. Just like most people have, from my life. So I texted him. He did not even realise it had been two days. I am pretty sure he had other girls in his life like me. Better than me. I cried myself to sleep that night. I don’t deserve this, I told myself. But then, maybe I do?
You know, in school, I was invisible. I was always picked last. At everything. Sometimes when they needed teams for something, and we had an odd number of students, I was not even picked. They legit would forget about me. What am I gonna do, bring it to their attention? That I exist? Pretty sure no one else had to do that. No one else had to start from a bottom this low.
I made friends with a pretty girl in school. Maybe because I think she is nice to me. I can’t say for sure though. Maybe I make her look good by being me. She never made fun of me though. That part I liked. But maybe she pitied me? That does make me feel awful. But then again, I would choose pity over mocking. But then again, does everyone have to choose?
Now I am older, and expected to be married, but no one is picking me. I have met 22 guys, and the truth is that they all have rejected me. I wanted to reject a few of them too. But they were faster. One of them called himself a man with a ‘sense of humour’. He asked me, “hey have you filed a missing report? I think your neck is missing”. And expected me to laugh with him for laughing at me. When I didn’t, he even tried to explain in a very politely condescending way that one must learn to laugh at oneself.
I have a guy friend, who is generally nice, but makes fun of me a lot. He calls me fat every opportunity he gets. He makes fun of my facial hair. He makes fun of my appearance in some way every time. At this point, I feel numb. Instead of feeling bad for myself, I feel amazed at how he can come up with new ways every time to make me feel less of myself. Of course he does not think that. Whenever he does make fun of me, the group gets a good laugh. Because his observations are often things that others would miss. So what if my self esteem is getting crushed every time that happens? At least people are laughing.
Sometimes I wonder if it is too late for me to stand up against everything that makes me feel like shit. I wonder if it would have been the same if I would have stood up for myself earlier, when it all started happening. But then, I did. And did not get an apology. I only got fear. Fear of being lonely. That everyone would leave me.
I met someone in my office, another girl who was mocked for her size and colour by her teammates. She got back to them with clever replies. She made fun of them too. And then, everyone would appreciate how talented she is with words. That she truly was. She wrote a blog that was really good. Is that how it is? Do I need to be talented for others to be kind to me? If that is the truth, it kinda sucks for me.
I cry alone at night inside my pillow. It feels like there’s a lump inside my throat which has gone down in my chest. That lump makes me extremely uncomfortable, but it is always there. I want to let it out but how? I have tried crying it out, screaming it out, but it is always there. And my fear is that it always will be. What if I even meet a nice guy now? How will I know he will not do the same thing to me that every other guy has? Am I damaged to the point of no return?
My pretty girl friend from school is married and has a kid now. I love that kid because she does not look at me the same way as the world does. But is that just a matter of time, I wonder? Do all kids grow up to be people that don’t want me around, I wonder? My friend tells me how overjoyed she and her husband were when they had the baby. Overjoyed she says. She says she felt that love in her chest from her husband and the newborn. I have never felt that. Would I ever, I wonder?
I don’t even know what it is like to receive flowers from a guy. And here I am thinking if I will get a baby, haha!
I let out a sigh hoping the lump in my chest goes out with that sigh, but it does not. It only feels like it is snowballing up inside me, and one day it will hopefully erupt and make this all go away.
I am pretty sure you guys are feeling terribly bad for me. If you are, then you are kind people. Because I would feel the same. And all I can say I am is kind. But am I? I have always taken care of what others feel, and that they should not feel bad. But have I been kind to myself? Have I taken care of how I feel? Sigh.